I must be too annoying 4 u.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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