I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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