Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
