she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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