I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
