On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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