it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
