Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
