Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
