my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
