I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
