I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
