im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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