I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize