this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize