My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize