Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
