Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
