My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
