I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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