Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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