got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
