If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
