I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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