Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
