I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
