i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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