I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You ruined the universe
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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