Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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