i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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