I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
