ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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