Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
