but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
