I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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