we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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