I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
