Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
