My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
