i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
