He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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