You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
