The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
