wrigley field is MILF paradise
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize