dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
