I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
