she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize