I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
