so explain again why im purple
no
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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