Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
