When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
