My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
