hotel room ftw
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
