Someone shit on the floor
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
