you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
